Abuse is a funny word. It brings to mind bruises and broken bones. Most people don’t think of the mental, emotional, or psychological damage other than giving it a cursory nod. And if a woman brings up the fact that she is verbally abused there is the impulse to dismiss it as the lesser type of abuse. After all, she isn’t winding up in the hospital from it. Or is she?
When my son’s therapist flat out told me that some of the things I was experiencing were abuse, I was flabbergasted. After all, my husband doesn’t hit me, shove me, or call me names like bitch or cunt. So how could it be abuse? The therapist, (we’ll call him Carl) suggested that I read a book call Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft. Truthfully I would have dismissed what he said except he made a point of telling me that he had worked with a woman’s shelter and an abuser’s program for several years. So I downloaded the book and a couple days later, started to read it.
Disturbing was the first word that crossed my mind. Then I had to ask myself why I found it so disturbing and the answer was even more disturbing. I felt this way because it was true to my life. No, my husband doesn’t hit me, shove me or call me names but he does subtly belittle me, manipulate me into thinking I’m stupid, thinking I’m at fault, twists things I say to make it sound like he’s right and I’m somehow wrong…in my thinking, in my values and in my beliefs.
It’s not something I can explain to people. How do you explain the snorts, comments under the breath, the eye rolling? The veiled sarcasm that permeates everything he says to you? The circular logic and the constant deflection of the real issue until you think you’re going crazy. Unless you know what to look for, even if he did it in front of you (which he won’t), you’d never see it for the abuse that it is.
All abuse is heinous and wrong. The problem with verbal abuse is its insidiousness. It wears at your spirit and your mind. You believe this person, your partner; because they have told you they love you and want what’s best for you. The abuse is subtle and mind altering. You believe it. You believe after a while that you are wrong, that you don’t know what you really want or believe. After a while, even though inside of you is screaming that something’s wrong, you bow down to your partner’s demands/wants/beliefs. You change yourself in the vain hope that you will make the other person happy.
It doesn’t work and you die inside.
If you’re really, really lucky, something or someone will open your eyes. That’s what happened with me. When Carl suggested that I read the book, I hesitated but I thought about my son and decided that I needed to do whatever it took to help him. So I took the time to read it. It opened my eyes and once they were opened I couldn’t close them again. As I told Carl, the door opened and I have one foot out. I’m not going back in or closing the door.
