Fear

Why am I afraid to tell him the truth? What drives me to fudge things? I don't know. I do know that when I tell him the truth, he reacts badly. He uses his words to cut me to pieces and makes me feel ashamed even when I have nothing to be ashamed of. He blows up and then tries to make everything my fault. So I lie and when the lie is found out, he blows up anyway.

I know, I know...why not just tell him from the beginning and save myself the trouble. I just don't know. I think it began as a survival mechanism and now I don't know how to change it. If I have time to think of it, then I can overcome it but when I'm placed on the spot, like today, my first instinct is to lie to him. Which is stupid because the things I am lying about aren't even all that big. But they do set him off. So how do I change this? How do I tell him the truth without it turning ugly (and it will turn ugly)?

I feel like a failure these days.

Noly