Today...

I got up this morning and I feel…nothing and everything. My heart feels numb but physically, I feel sick to my stomach and afraid. Of what, I don’t know. I eat because I have to but I don’t feel hungry. My head aches but more from tension than from anything else and I’m exhausted.

It’s hard work being something that you’re not. I understood this before but never really felt it until now. Before when I tried to be what they wanted, I honestly thought it was for the best. Everyone makes compromises in relationships, right? I didn’t understand the difference between compromise and surrender. Now I understand that I surrendered but at the time I thought it was a compromise.

This morning, my husband wanted to know what was wrong with me. I wasn’t my cheerful, optimistic self; I was, in his words, blah. Wasn’t that what he wanted? Someone who didn’t make any waves, who did as she was supposed to and followed the straight and narrow path? I have to be happy doing it too? Apparently, so I smile and say, “I’m just tired.” It isn’t a lie, I am tired. Tired of pretending. The ironic thing is that part of what came out in our argument was the fact that he wanted me to be honest with him. When I tried to be honest, I was lectured about the wrongness of my thinking. I wasn’t asking him to agree with me, I just wanted him to understand I felt differently.

When I went to my family reunion, it was so different. No one there cared about anything but that you were family. You didn’t even actually have to be related to be considered family. My dad’s ex-girlfriend came and was welcomed with open arms. I have, what most people would consider, a lot of kids and they simply welcomed them in, never saying a word about how many or lecturing me on birth control. I spoke there honestly about my beliefs and even though some of mine were vastly different from some of theirs, no one grew angry or outraged by it. Instead, everyone made others feel welcome and like they mattered. It was so vastly different from my husband’s family that my kids were in awe. 

I wasn’t afraid there and driving home from the friend I had visited up there, I found myself wanting to turn around and go back. I didn’t want to go home. Prophetic…