Friends

I'm blessed with some great friends and they put up so much from me. Lately however, I find myself wondering if I should back off from telling them things. I feel like I'm such a downer person, that my life has turned into a warning sign for others on how not to do things. Do I inflict that on other people or do I stay with superficial stuff? When is it okay to talk about what's actually happening and when is it not?

I have a friend who is/has gone through something truly terrible in their life and I tried to be there for them by doing what they wanted even if it's not being there for them. Sometimes this friend wants to be left alone and I respect that. I miss them terribly during these times but I do understand why they need to pull back and recharge themselves. Now though, I find myself wondering if they would be better off without me being their friend. What can I bring to this friendship? I honestly wait for them to realize one day that I'm a crappy friend and they would be better off without me in their life.

Is it just depression talking or is it reality setting in? I don't know...

Haunted

I find myself haunted by the things I need to decide on. I'm not talking about the big decisions like to stay or go and how but the little every day decisions. Like, do I spend the money on milk for the kids or hang on to it because I know my husband will want to eat out with his coworker? Or he's yelling at one of the kids and making the situation worse. Do I interfere with his parental authority or so I let him verbally harass and verbally abuse the kids? It seems simple when I write it down here but in the midst of everything, I doubt myself. I second guess and then try to figure out all the angles and consequences. It doesn't help and I wind up feeling like no matter what I do, I failed.

Now I have to make a big decision and I'm paralyzed. I wish that a miracle would happen and I wouldn't have to make it. Terribly unrealistic but I still wish.

Noly

Abuse and Consequences!

Abuse is a funny word. It brings to mind bruises and broken bones. Most people don’t think of the mental, emotional, or psychological damage other than giving it a cursory nod. And if a woman brings up the fact that she is verbally abused there is the impulse to dismiss it as the lesser type of abuse. After all, she isn’t winding up in the hospital from it. Or is she?

When my son’s therapist flat out told me that some of the things I was experiencing were abuse, I was flabbergasted. After all, my husband doesn’t hit me, shove me, or call me names like bitch or cunt. So how could it be abuse? The therapist, (we’ll call him Carl) suggested that I read a book call Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft. Truthfully I would have dismissed what he said except he made a point of telling me that he had worked with a woman’s shelter and an abuser’s program for several years. So I downloaded the book and a couple days later, started to read it.

Disturbing was the first word that crossed my mind. Then I had to ask myself why I found it so disturbing and the answer was even more disturbing. I felt this way because it was true to my life. No, my husband doesn’t hit me, shove me or call me names but he does subtly belittle me, manipulate me into thinking I’m stupid, thinking I’m at fault, twists things I say to make it sound like he’s right and I’m somehow wrong…in my thinking, in my values and in my beliefs.

It’s not something I can explain to people. How do you explain the snorts, comments under the breath, the eye rolling? The veiled sarcasm that permeates everything he says to you? The circular logic and the constant deflection of the real issue until you think you’re going crazy. Unless you know what to look for, even if he did it in front of you (which he won’t), you’d never see it for the abuse that it is.

All abuse is heinous and wrong. The problem with verbal abuse is its insidiousness. It wears at your spirit and your mind. You believe this person, your partner; because they have told you they love you and want what’s best for you. The abuse is subtle and mind altering. You believe it. You believe after a while that you are wrong, that you don’t know what you really want or believe. After a while, even though inside of you is screaming that something’s wrong, you bow down to your partner’s demands/wants/beliefs. You change yourself in the vain hope that you will make the other person happy.

It doesn’t work and you die inside.

If you’re really, really lucky, something or someone will open your eyes. That’s what happened with me. When Carl suggested that I read the book, I hesitated but I thought about my son and decided that I needed to do whatever it took to help him. So I took the time to read it. It opened my eyes and once they were opened I couldn’t close them again. As I told Carl, the door opened and I have one foot out. I’m not going back in or closing the door.

Wondering

I left to go get one of my kids, picking up from a birthday party. I get that child and am driving to the grocery store when I get a text from an older child telling me that they and their dad just got into a massive fight. Please come home...

Well, shit.

I get home, debating with myself on how to approach how I know about this but it doesn't matter. My older child approaches me and tells me that they told their dad about their eating disorder. So first thing I get is him pissed about not telling him I took older child to doctor, then pissed that I kept it from him about child's chest deformity(which was nothing but that kid's ribs are too long and push the breast bone out.) Our older child had asked me not to say anything until they got a chance to tell their dad. Dad seemed far more concerned about the chest thing than the eating disorder...which, to me, is the more serious problem.

Then he complains to me that one of our other children told him, fuck you. He's going on about respect and how he would never talk to his dad that way. Never mind that he cusses and curses every day around the kids and I find myself wondering what he said to make this child say that. My husband claims that they were having a discussion but....

Of course I get to hear about how everyone else is the bad ones...until I catch some of them alone, without dad around. Then I hear how he insulted my family and when my children tried to defend them by simply asking their dad not to say anything more about them, he blew up and was screaming at them, calling them betrayers and worse. Yeah, one of them finally said, fuck you. Any surprise here? The kids said that after that he ran the gambit of rage and then crying, now it's like everything is hunky dory.

That is the norm around here sadly. How do we deal with this? I've thought about making him move out but where does that leave me? I work part time, I don't have a degree. I'd get child support but it would barely cover rent, utilities and gas. Possibly some of the groceries too. How the hell am I supposed to make it? How do I not?

Damned if I do, damned if I don't....



Noly

Fear

Why am I afraid to tell him the truth? What drives me to fudge things? I don't know. I do know that when I tell him the truth, he reacts badly. He uses his words to cut me to pieces and makes me feel ashamed even when I have nothing to be ashamed of. He blows up and then tries to make everything my fault. So I lie and when the lie is found out, he blows up anyway.

I know, I know...why not just tell him from the beginning and save myself the trouble. I just don't know. I think it began as a survival mechanism and now I don't know how to change it. If I have time to think of it, then I can overcome it but when I'm placed on the spot, like today, my first instinct is to lie to him. Which is stupid because the things I am lying about aren't even all that big. But they do set him off. So how do I change this? How do I tell him the truth without it turning ugly (and it will turn ugly)?

I feel like a failure these days.

Noly

Thoughts

Am I doing the right thing?

Is it fair to expect someone to change when I don't want to?

What will happen if...?

Why can't I make up my mind and do whatever I need to do?

Why do I want to please someone who can't be pleased?

I want to be selfish and then I feel guilty for wanting that.

Noly

Who am I?

Do you see me?

Do you hear me?

Who am I?

I am not who you want me to be.

I am not a fantasy.

I am not who I was.

Do you see me?

Do you hear me?

Who am I?

I wish you would open your eyes.

I wish you would open your ears.

I wish you would open your mind and your heart.